A Sample Critique

Dear Svevo,

I have now had a chance to read and review TELL ME ONE THING, MAMA, which I enjoyed. Before I get to my comments, I would like to thank you for participating in the auction, and for supporting such an important cause.

You state up front that this is a YA novel, but I don’t that’s the case. It’s more likely a middle grade because of the age of the character. And yet it doesn’t quite fit there either, because despite being from a young girl’s point of view, and including one other kid (Tommy Anders), the other major characters are Mama and Mr. Emerson, both adults. A middle grade novel needs to exist mostly in a world of kids. There is Jimmy-John (love that name), who is a welcome addition, but he isn’t involved in any of the main action. Further, I’m not at all sure how old Emma May is. It’s on the first page that she is ten, so I ought to have known, but I didn’t remember that. That is probably because I was distracted by figuring out that the other characters on the first page were actually dogs. I had to turn back to find her age, which is never a good sign. You don’t want your readers turning the pages back — only forward! There are some references to fifth grade, but it’s still obscure. There is another place where you have to do a little math to figure it out. The reader shouldn’t have to do mental configurations. Because of her naivete and superstition, I thought she might be as young as eight. This is confusing, because we don’t really know who we are dealing with. When you’re that young, there is a big difference between eight and ten. This is easily fixable, but it’s important.

Another thing that’s confusing is that I have absolutely no idea where this takes place, or when. Setting goes a long way toward grounding the story and informing the characters, but we never know where they are. They talk like they are in the south, but they are also clearly a specific segment of the population. Not everyone in the south talks that way. So it’s a guessing game. I was guessing Alabama or Mississippi, but I shouldn’t have to wonder. If you like, you can simply state the year and the place in italics at the beginning of the manuscript. However, that is still not quite enough. Make this town come alive with other kids, familiar landmarks, and places with stories attached to them. You did accomplish that to some degree, but in a novel with such a strong sense of place, you can’t really have too much.

And what year is this?? It seems like it could be anywhere from the second half of the twentieth century up until today. And yet there are no cell phones or computers, so maybe not. Because of the old-fashioned quality, I first thought this was happening in the 1930’s. It was frustrating to not know. Again, this is easily solved by stating it up front, or by referring to a specific well-known event that just happened, such as the assassination of JFK, or the popularity of disco or the falling of the Berlin Wall. This story seems to be floating in a world that is very unspecified, even though some aspects of it are so well drawn. You need to fill in those blanks. Again, I think you mention the year at some point, but one mention is not going to do it. We need the feel and sights and sounds of that year.

The main reason we know we are in the south is because of the language. The use of language in this story is so powerful that I found myself thinking in those cadences, using those words. I can’t tell you just how affecting that is. Emma May would not be the same character if she didn’t talk and think in this way. It’s not only a real pleasure to read, but it evokes so much. I don’t know anyone who talks like her, but now I feel I know her. And aside from dialect, the command of the English language, filtered through the dialect, is masterful.

Her characterization pops off the page. She is an immensely likable girl — obviously poor, but full of gumption and curiosity. I’m glad she got an A- on her butterfly report, because this girl is clearly going places. Her race is not mentioned until many pages in, and I couldn’t decide if this was necessary or not. It shouldn’t matter, except that it might offer more grounding, and it’s interesting that she is the only kid of color in this town. Apparently there is no racism, at least not outwardly, which is refreshing. At any rate, she is wonderfully appealing.

The other characters are equally well drawn. I would have liked a bit more info on what they all look like and how they are dressed, but I can still visualize them because of how they talk and how they act. Mama is an overworked but eminently cheerful woman, Tommy Anders is a chubby little brat, and Mr. Emerson is that guy on the block that every kid fears only because he’s old and a little eccentric. These are some of the hallmark characters of childhood. Everyone remembers the mean kid on the block, or the mom you can always count on, or the one house where everyone is afraid to ring the doorbell on Halloween. All this is captured beautifully.

The one thing this novel lacks in abundance is a thoroughly involving plot. The only real plot is that Emma May wants to find out the truth about her father, and she wants to defeat Tommy Anders. That’s it. The sense of curiosity and yearning about her dad is well conveyed, but it’s nowhere near enough. You need an entirely new plot thread to help keep this story moving. Something else needs to be going on. Preferably this should involve other kids, but it has to have enough tension to make us want to keep turning the pages. There is no serious tension in the book until page 79, when Mr. Emerson tells her that some things are better left unsaid. That immediately makes us wonder what is not being said.

The one area where this story shines is in the voice. It’s one thing to use a distinct and colorful dialect, but this has far more than that. This girl is spunky and she’s confident. All of that comes through in her words and in everything she does. There is not likely to be any character remotely like her in any middle grade novel. She is utterly unique.

All in all, this story needs more clarity as to time and place, and it needs at least one other major plot thread. You don’t exactly have a novel here; what you is a vibrant yet fuzzy backdrop against which vignettes with delightful characters are taking place. With more work and grounding, this could turn out to be a more meaningful and well-structured book.

Thanks again for your participation and support. Best of luck with your writing. I certainly encourage you to continue!

Sincerely,
Irene